The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
(more comics:
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.