Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Same post same
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I love art.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.