Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
You Might Also Like
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
This probably isn’t good
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
bears
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’