Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.