ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat