My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up