Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
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Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston