“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
my mind
You just read my mind
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
🤣🤣🤣
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.