BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise