[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
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Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
“you recording!?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.