whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
No. YOU-buprofen.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.