I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat