[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Attacked by a mop.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms