[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
You Might Also Like
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep