The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Strange
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting