Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
another case of gang violins
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal