did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome