the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.