A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.