That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
From my Mom
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.