If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn