I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh