My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
You Might Also Like
dutch so unserious
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.