Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
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calling in to work dehydrated
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
A dad and his duck
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..