My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You Might Also Like
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.