WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Worth remembering.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark