What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..