Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…