*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.