“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!