It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
much to think about
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.