If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.