3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Strangers have the best candy.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am