I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I hope Alan is OK
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.