just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office