This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You Might Also Like
yes, those are my real potatoes.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
🤣
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.