*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?