MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away