Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.