[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
worst…sale…ever
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.