Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
You Might Also Like
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.