*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta