In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.