Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
wait.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I told my vodka about you.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.