Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?