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i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…