“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Basically.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?