Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty