the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain