Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
it is time once again